


Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Hubbard

by Basingstoke



Category: Hot Fuzz (2007)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-19
Updated: 2009-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-04 15:24:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/31716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basingstoke/pseuds/Basingstoke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crime solving and media criticism. Just another day in Sandford.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Hubbard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stuffwelike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuffwelike/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [【授权翻译】Yippee Ki Yay, Mother Hubbard早上好啊，乡村母亲！](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2601203) by [rachel501](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rachel501/pseuds/rachel501)



> Thanks to my beta Bridget McKennitt!

Both alarms rang simultaneously. Danny jerked awake, bumping his chin on Nicholas's head. He yowled out "owwwww" as he smacked the alarm. Nicholas had already turned his off, of course.

Danny sighed and flopped back onto the pillow. "Morning," he said.

"Good morning," Nicholas said. He leaned over and kissed Danny's cheek.

"Do I have to get up?"

"Morning is the best time to go jogging. You feel invigorated after."

"Could have sex," Danny suggested. "That's aerobic."

"Your choice, of course, but I don't know who you'll be shagging," Nicholas said as he rolled out of bed. He picked up his trainers and left the room.

"I'll be shagging your mum!" Danny yelled.

Nicholas was waiting for him, watering the flower boxes, when Danny emerged with his trainers on. "I thought we might go down the avenue," he said.

"Yeah, sounds lovely." Danny bent over and stretched out his hamstrings.

-*-

Nicholas thought if you couldn't talk while you jogged, you were out of shape. Danny was finally up to the point where he could disagree while jogging.

Because Nicholas was always bloody wrong about everything that wasn't police work. "The first Die Hard is the best," Danny panted. "He walked across glass!"

"But Die Hard 3 had the partnership element crucial to a classic action movie," Nicholas said. He waved to the Turner brothers as they crossed paths in opposite directions, night shift and morning shift. "So did Die Hard 4, actually."

"John McClane doesn't need a bloody partner! He's the lone indestructible man!" Danny kept up with Nicholas, possibly even pulling ahead of him, legs fueled by righteous indignation.

Nicholas slicked his damp hair back from his forehead. "We watched that one, didn't we? Highlander?"

"Yes, three months ago. Did you like it?" Danny waved to a group of boys on their way to school. One of them gave him the V.

"I did. Clancy Brown was proper evil in that one." They turned the corner, down the avenue of ancient limes. It was nice this way in the morning. Cool. Green.

"The accents were mad, though," Danny said, and Nicholas laughed.

-*-

It was Wednesday, so they were on patrol. Technically they both outranked patrol duty, but Nicholas liked walking around the village, and Danny knew everyone in the village, so Nicholas deemed it an effective use of police resources.

First stop, the corner store, now under new management. Nicholas wandered off around the building, but that was all right, Danny knew what he wanted. "Morning, Mrs. Khan! Two Cornettos, and is that a new Vegetarian Times?" Danny pointed at the magazine rack.

Mrs. Khan nodded, smiled, took down the magazine. "Oh yes. The recipe for turnip pie is quite good; I tried it last night."

Danny paid for the ice cream and Nicholas's magazine as Nicholas walked in. "Good morning, Mrs. Khan," Nicholas said. "Are you aware of the graffiti beside the service entrance?"

"Oh, yes," she sighed.

"But you didn't report it?"

"I didn't want to waste your time."

Nicholas inhaled sharply. "Madam, property damage is *never* a waste of time. I'll take a report immediately," he said, whipping out his notebook.

Danny put the Cornettos back in the freezer. "I'll come back for that later," he said. Now there was official police business to be done.

-*-

They returned to the station and filed the report and went back on patrol. "McClane is a loner," Danny argued. "Partners just cause problems for him. Look at Farrell in Die Hard 4."

"Farrell saved his life and his daughter's life, and Farrell had inside information on what was happening. Without that, nothing McClane did would have been any use. Thomas Gabriel would have won. Even in Die Hard 1, Al was his emotional touchpoint and kept him connected to the outside world."

"Bollocks! McClane could have done it. Batman wears John McClane pajamas," Danny said.

"What?"

"Hey, that kid flipped me off earlier." Danny recognized him by his faux-hawk. The sprayed up part was all stiff and spiky while the rest of his hair was still curly-top. "What's he doing out of school?"

They crossed the road, hugging the wall for some modicum of stealth, and the answer became obvious: He was spray-painting a fancy V on the side of the building. It was quite nice, as graffiti went, but Danny didn't think that Mr. Patel, the new owner of the Swan, would care much for it.

Nicholas rested his hand on the boy's shoulder. "Excuse me, young man--" The boy took off running. Nicholas chased him.

Danny, though, had a hunch. He legged it down the block, around the corner, through an alley, across a back yard (tipping his hat to Mrs. Handcock, who was gardening), and up the way past the veterinary in time to rugby-tackle the lad in front of Somerfields.

"Oi, you fat bastard!" the boy grunted.

"Stow it, punk." Danny handcuffed the boy.

Nicholas caught up a moment later. "Oh, well done, partner," he said.

-*-

They turned the boy--Adrian Hayter--over to the Andes for questioning. The Andes were prats, but surprisingly effective at good cop-bad cop. And while the Andes worked, Nicholas and Danny went to the new Karachi Palace for a late lunch.

They shared paneer saag and chicken korma. "What does worry me about the last Die Hard is the dehumanization of the opponent. None of the people who died around McClane had a face. It's disturbing, as if they were no more than robots or holograms."

"But that's central to the enjoyment. It wouldn't be fun if they played up people dying in car crashes all around him."

"Should we be enjoying the destruction of lives and property? We're police, it's our job to stop that kind of thing."

Danny thought for a moment. "Are you saying it's wrong to enjoy watching Die Hard?"

"Well--I'm not sure, actually, I got a bit lost in that argument," Nicholas said, frowning and drinking his tea.

After they paid--leaving a large tip for Jasmine, Mrs. Gandapur's eldest daughter, who cleaned up--Nicholas said, "Mrs. Gandapur, we believe we caught the vandal. He'll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law."

"Oh no, not Adrian!" Jasmine cried. Nicholas, Danny, and her mother all whipped around to look at her. Jasmine squeaked and ran the dirty dishes into the back.

"Jasmine! You come out this moment and explain yourself!" Mrs. Gandapur yelled.

Jasmine poked her head back out. "It's just--he has a crush on Vida and it's so cute," Jasmine said. She disappeared again.

Mrs. Gandapur looked like she'd swallowed a live cockroach. "Vida? Little Vida?"

Nicholas met Danny's eyes. "Back to the station."

"I have an idea," Danny said.

-*-

Danny and Nicholas sent the Andes out and sat down across from Adrian Hayter. "Love makes us all wankers," Danny said.

"Or poofters," Adrian said, slouching and staring at the floor.

"Let's make a deal. You confess, clean up the graffiti, and do some community service. In return, you can mark up the model village as much as you want. Make a proper tribute to her! Draw her face in the streets."

"But--they're demolishing that come winter for the bypass," Adrian said. "Everyone knows that."

"Yeah, but if you put the pictures on the web and it goes viral, everyone in the world will see how much you love her. If you do it big, man, if you take one of those stop-motion videos and get on YouTube? Phwar," Danny said.

Adrian perked up. Win!

After work, Nicholas bought the whole squad a round down the pub, but only smiled at Danny.

-*-

They undressed for bed. Danny tossed his clothes in the corner. Nicholas gathered them up and put them in the hamper. They both set their shoes neatly at the end of the bed.

"See, partnership won the day. John McClane needs a partner," Nicholas said.

"No, Nicholas!" Danny said. "I won't have it! You are wrong! You're brilliant at everything else, but you are rubbish at films! Die Hard is a better film than Die Hard 4 and that's final! John McClane is a lone man alone and that's final!"

Nicholas grabbed him and kissed him. Danny flailed for a moment, then settled his hands on Nicholas's hips.

"Sorry," Nicholas said in a minute.

"No, s'all right."

"I got carried away. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"I don't mind," Danny said.

"When you lecture me like that, it reminds me of Zeus Carver giving John McClane a piece of his mind."

"I remind you of Samuel L Jackson?"

"I suppose so," Nicholas said.

"Oh, Nicholas!" Danny kissed Nicholas's hands.

Nicholas had a queer half-smile. "Oh. Was that the right thing to say?"

Danny kissed his mouth enthusiastically. He embraced Nicholas and they rolled back onto the bed.

-*-

"Was there a message?" Nicholas murmured in Danny's ear, as they drifted into sleep. "Do you want to stop being my partner?"

"No, actually, nothing like that. You just have rubbish opinions on film."

Nicholas kissed his ear. "I'll learn."

-*-

THE END


End file.
